🏋🏽Exercise: Stop being defensive

Being defensive. We all do it! Especially on the days we are tired or in a low mood.

Someone gives us feedback, or a different idea, and our first reaction is to explain, justify, or even argue. It feels like we are protecting ourselves from a threat but often we just end up shutting down an opportunity for connection and growth.

• At work: Our stakeholder says something needs improvement - and we might immediately list all the reasons why it is not our fault.

• At home: Our partner shares how they feel, and we might instantly tell them why they should not feel that way.

This habit keeps us stuck. It tells others we are not open to hearing them, and it stops us from truly learning.

But the good news is: we can change it.

The secret? Get curious, not defensive. Instead of reacting, pause. Instead of explaining, try to understand. We do not have to agree with everything, but we can listen with an open mind.

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Exercise: Catch Your Defensiveness

This simple exercise helps us identify when we are getting defensive and proceed in a different way.

Grab a pen and paper.

Part 1: When Did You Get Defensive?

Think about 2 or 3 times recently when you felt defensive.

1. What happened?

2. What was said or done that made you feel defensive?

3. How did your body and mind react?
   (e.g., Did your jaw tighten? Did you feel angry? Did you want to interrupt?)

4. What did you do or say in response?
   (e.g., Did you explain yourself? Did you change the subject? Did you get upset?)

5. How did it turn out?
   (How did you feel afterward? How do you think the other person felt?)

Part 2: Try a New Approach

Now, for each of those situations, imagine you could go back and do it again. Focus on being curious and open.

1. What could you have said or done instead?
   (Think about saying things like: "Tell me more," "I hear you saying...", or "Help me understand.")

2. What might you have learned if you hadn't been defensive?

3. How would you have preferred to feel in that moment, and how might a non-defensive response have helped you feel that way?
   (e.g., peaceful, clear, connected.)

4. What's one common thing that always makes you defensive?
   (Is it when someone questions your effort? Your ideas? Your character?)

5. Come up with a short phrase or a reminder you can use the next time you feel that trigger.
   (e.g., "Listen first," "Breathe," "Ask questions.")

   Changing this habit takes practice. We will not be perfect every time, and that's okay. The goal is to notice when it happens and try to choose a different path. By doing so, we will build stronger relationships and learn so much more.